Karoli, I love you. I can feel the pain in your post. And we can always blame ourselves for what we do as parents, but we have to remember that we did our best. No one wants to believe her eldest child is an alcoholic. But he will come around as my foster son did, under worse circumstances, because you laid the groundwork.
Karoli
· 11 months ago
Thanks, Francine...I love you too. :) And I'm going to count on your prediction. It's certainly what I hope for as an outcome.
WebPixie
· 11 months ago
Karoli, I regret not seeing this post until now. What a day you must've had! I realize it's no consolation to hear that your experience this morning has been shared by almost every family or friend in this nation (if not the world). I know I will never understand why it happens. All I know is that it does and that trying to understand why is really no help to the innocent family member (you) or the person playing the role of victim (your eldest).
I'm not so sure that you're being fair to yourself to say that you made a choice to look the other way. Sometimes trained, objective professionals can be fooled. How could someone with the emotional ties a mother has be expected to be so detached as to make that sort of deliberate choice! You can't.
It's great that he has a loving girlfriend ...maybe. I hope she has the number for the local VA. If there's one area where the VA has a long history of knowledge and experience, it's understanding the complexities of a former soldier's relationship with alcohol and how it affects their loved ones. While the VA may not be adequately funded to have enough staff to meet this mission for every Vet (thank you Mr. Rumsfeld), there are many organizations of Veterans who volunteer to fill that gap.
Richard and I have both seen how they work their magic. It's subtle, very subtle, and all it takes is a phone call - but let her make the call if he doesn't. You've already laid a solid foundation for him. His fellow Vets can help him build a good, strong floor. Please, do call me if there's anything I can do to help.
Karoli
· 11 months ago
WebPixie, thank you for those thoughts. They're very helpful. Our 'local' VA is many miles from here, but I have also suggested it as a resource, along with AA. He wlll now have to make his decision.
What I hope: That he doesn't sink into 'victim mode' but hears what I said with the spirit it was intended. We'll see...all of the support from you guys has been a huge encouragement to me. I know I did the right thing. It was hard, but it was right.
WebPixie
· 11 months ago
Most "local" VA's are HUNDREDS of miles away. My comment was certainly not intended to suggest the VA as any kind of medical resource for someone in "victim mode," as you describe it. That's not how it works.
The typical distance of most VA resources from the Vet is why I suggested having their PHONE NUMBER handy. That suggestion is really intended more as a resource for his girlfriend, if he chooses to live with her after the end of the month. It's not for the VA to provide "treatment."
Vets like to do what they can for other Vets, so the VA usually can cooridinate spouse's, girlfriends's, or boyfriend's of a Vet to those other Vets. As I said, it's very subtle and a person almost has to be a Vet to understand how it all works, which I am not.
From the actions described in your blog post, what you DID certainly IS the right thing. The rest is up to him and him alone.
ursulas
· 11 months ago
Lump in my throat.
Karoli, I cannot think of the right words right now.
So, I continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts.
{{{{HUGE HUG}}}}
Karoli
· 11 months ago
{{{HUG BACK}}} Your own story was part of what helped me gather the resolve to do this. Now we hope for a positive outcome...
ursulas
· 11 months ago
Here's to the outcome! It will work out! I believe he has a great mom. Just remember to be good to yourself in the process.
Dorian aka coffeesister |_|)
· 11 months ago
Take it from someone who was a teenage alcoholic, we continue because we can & never question that we can while we are; alcoholism mixed w/the audacity of youth creates an even stronger sense of being indestructible (not to mention uniquely justified). Even if you could help him stop, no matter how long it lasted, it would NOT be lasting for true change is impossible til sought by the one changing. Right you are that consequences are key — for me, it was not graduating that slowed me down long enough to disprove the need to drink (as much) to function. By the grace of God, that then led to my one & only bad (to me) experience w/drinking which opened the door to doubt — just enough to accept a challenge much like the one you're now giving your son.
I desperately love the line, "pain is the only pathway to a life of constructive living instead of the self-destructive bent you’ve been on." One of the bonuses but difficulties of being the kind of mom you (& mine) are is that ability to see your children as we could be, not necessarily as we are. You've seen the proof on my blog that my mom & I have been restored to each other; she's also the reason I wasn't even more self-destructive. Trust me, you've already made a difference. However, he's the only one that can fertilize the seed you've planted & fed. My mum & I do celebrate my recovery as another birthday — I began my new life 11 August 1986 & was damn excited the year, not too long ago, that I'd lived as long since as before.
Here's a poem I wrote on my 22nd REbirthday: Rebirth
(|_|*to new beginnings*|_|) "Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does." ~ William James
PS: I'm not only Momma's eldest but it was 'her & I against the world' at the beginning. Take heart. Consider yourself hugged..
Karoli
· 11 months ago
Thank you so much for sharing your story and your poem. It inspires more than you possibly know. :) Today is a new day, let's hope and pray he sees it so.
editormom
· 11 months ago
Karoli, you are a brave mother. I hope that your son has learned bravery from you. Hugs to both of you.
All Comments
I'm not so sure that you're being fair to yourself to say that you made a choice to look the other way. Sometimes trained, objective professionals can be fooled. How could someone with the emotional ties a mother has be expected to be so detached as to make that sort of deliberate choice! You can't.
It's great that he has a loving girlfriend ...maybe. I hope she has the number for the local VA. If there's one area where the VA has a long history of knowledge and experience, it's understanding the complexities of a former soldier's relationship with alcohol and how it affects their loved ones. While the VA may not be adequately funded to have enough staff to meet this mission for every Vet (thank you Mr. Rumsfeld), there are many organizations of Veterans who volunteer to fill that gap.
Richard and I have both seen how they work their magic. It's subtle, very subtle, and all it takes is a phone call - but let her make the call if he doesn't. You've already laid a solid foundation for him. His fellow Vets can help him build a good, strong floor. Please, do call me if there's anything I can do to help.
What I hope: That he doesn't sink into 'victim mode' but hears what I said with the spirit it was intended. We'll see...all of the support from you guys has been a huge encouragement to me. I know I did the right thing. It was hard, but it was right.
The typical distance of most VA resources from the Vet is why I suggested having their PHONE NUMBER handy. That suggestion is really intended more as a resource for his girlfriend, if he chooses to live with her after the end of the month. It's not for the VA to provide "treatment."
Vets like to do what they can for other Vets, so the VA usually can cooridinate spouse's, girlfriends's, or boyfriend's of a Vet to those other Vets. As I said, it's very subtle and a person almost has to be a Vet to understand how it all works, which I am not.
From the actions described in your blog post, what you DID certainly IS the right thing. The rest is up to him and him alone.
Karoli, I cannot think of the right words right now.
So, I continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts.
{{{{HUGE HUG}}}}
I desperately love the line, "pain is the only pathway to a life of constructive living instead of the self-destructive bent you’ve been on." One of the bonuses but difficulties of being the kind of mom you (& mine) are is that ability to see your children as we could be, not necessarily as we are. You've seen the proof on my blog that my mom & I have been restored to each other; she's also the reason I wasn't even more self-destructive. Trust me, you've already made a difference. However, he's the only one that can fertilize the seed you've planted & fed. My mum & I do celebrate my recovery as another birthday — I began my new life 11 August 1986 & was damn excited the year, not too long ago, that I'd lived as long since as before.
Here's a poem I wrote on my 22nd REbirthday: Rebirth
(|_|*to new beginnings*|_|)
"Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does." ~ William James
PS: I'm not only Momma's eldest but it was 'her & I against the world' at the beginning. Take heart. Consider yourself hugged..